When To Persevere + When To Quit
And could there be a third option - or more? These two books shine a light on the evergreen question of deciding when to persevere with a goal and when to call it quits.
A couple of years ago, I was scanning my ‘Books That Changed My Life’ shelf (we all have one of those, right?) and noticed something interesting:
Two books right next to each other (because I organize them in alphabetical order by the author’s last name); both with a black, white, and red color scheme; both made my top ten nonfiction list the years I read them (five years apart); both with one-word, four-letter titles that also rhymed…
When I tell you how my nerd-heart started beating faster!
And obviously, since they were both on my shelf of honor, both already held a special place in my mind, work, and life.
But interestingly, they also seemed diametrically opposed to one another: One was called Grit, all about the power of perseverance, and the other was called Quit, all about the power of walking away.
As a coach, writer, and lifelong student of human behavior, my wheels were turning. I immediately wrote a brief blog about my discovery and a few points I found interesting. And here we are, two years later, and I am returning to the phenomenon that I haven’t really stopped thinking about since.
All Or Nothing, Success Or Failure, Good Or Bad
Back in March, I shared an article about a challenging and incredibly perplexing decision I had been trying to make. I also mentioned how nervous I was to post that article, for a variety of reasons.
During that decision-making process, there were a handful of books I turned to repeatedly - two of them being Grit by Angela Duckworth and Quit by Annie Duke. At first glance, as I mentioned above, they seem like completely opposite concepts.
And as someone who easily veers toward all-or-nothing tendencies, I can fall into the ‘grit or quit’ either/or question quite naturally. “To be gritty is to keep putting one foot in front of the other…to hold fast to an interesting and purposeful goal…to invest, day after week after year, in challenging practice,” writes Angela Duckworth, to which I reply, “Yes, yes, YES!”
“While grit can get you to stick to hard things that are worthwhile, grit can also get you to stick to hard things that are no longer worthwhile,” writes Annie Duke. “If you quit something that’s no longer worth pursuing, that’s not a failure. That’s success.” Again, me fist pumping the air and cheering, “Yes, yes, YES!”
We hear about the author who endured fifty rejections before getting their book published to wide acclaim. But what about the author who is on rejection #50, unsure if they even like their own book anymore, yet keeps submitting anyway because they feel - with all they’ve invested at this point - like they ‘should’? Or the author who decided to make fifteen copies of their book at the local print shop, shared it with close family and friends, and continues to feel such great satisfaction knowing they followed through on their goal even if it looked different than they originally planned?
Or we might watch the athlete who trained every day for fifteen years and finally made the Olympic team. But also, what about the athlete who, after years of intense training with eyes on the Olympics, decided instead to shift gears and start a not-for-profit confidence-building running group for kids in their hometown? Or the athlete who trains five times a week to participate in an annual 5k as part of their town festival, comes in near-last every time, and has an absolute ball with all of it?
What really is ‘success,’ anyway? And are we adaptable enough to change our definition as we go?
Grit can feel good and/or bad, right and/or wrong. Quitting can feel good and/or bad, right and/or wrong.
Is it any wonder, then, that when it comes to our goals, we can find ourselves trapped in a loop of questioning whether to stick them out or move on to something else?
Getting Out Of The Loop
I’m the first to admit I can still find myself in that loop from time to time. But I have also grown by leaps and bounds in this area and have coached countless clients to build their decision-making muscles as well. Here are five considerations I find helpful in the process, especially when looking at whether to persevere or quit with a goal:
1. Honestly Assess the Value.
Not all goals are created equal. Some we can continue or quit with little impact either way. Others, however, can involve abundant time, money, mental energy, or other resources of which we may not have an infinite supply.
For this consideration, both Duckworth and Duke share some powerful insights:
Duckworth encourages us to determine between lower-level and higher-level goals, and pursue them accordingly. “Giving up on lower-level goals is not only forgivable, it’s sometimes absolutely necessary,” she states in chapter 4. She goes on to say,
“On any long journey, detours are to be expected. However, the higher-level the goal, the more it makes sense to be stubborn.”
Duke shares a similar sentiment when she writes about the importance of setting goals with flexibility, discussing how some goals offer incredible value all along the way, whether you fully achieve them in the end or not. “Those are the types of goals we should prioritize,” she suggests.
What is the inherent value in our goal? Can we still experience some or most of that value, even if we ultimately don’t achieve the goal in the end? Does the goal provide a sense of meaning and purpose regardless of outcome? These are questions I like to ask myself; maybe you’ll find them helpful, too.
2. Determine Level of Agency.
How much is within your power when it comes to achieving your goal?
If successful achievement relies solely, or even mostly, on something like the weather or the lottery numbers called that day, you may want to either reconsider the goal or your definition of success.
In Grit, Duckworth dedicates a whole chapter to hope. I found this instantly interesting, since I am a very hopeful person but - particularly as a business owner - also have the old ‘hope is not a strategy’ refrain humming in the back of my mind regularly. But she addresses this right at the start of the chapter, explaining that grit includes the kind of hope that believes we can take action to help improve our future. “I have a feeling tomorrow will be better is different from I resolve to make tomorrow better,” she offers as one example. Hope, in this sense, is blended with a level of personal agency to increase the likelihood of that hope becoming our reality.
Duke’s exploration reminds me a bit of Kendra Adachi’s ‘lazy genius’ motto, where she (Adachi) suggests ‘being a genius about the things that matter and lazy about things that don’t.’ Duke begins crafting a framework for quitting in this way:
Be picky about what you stick to.
Persevere in the things that matter, that bring you happiness, and that move you toward your goals.
Quit everything else, to free up those resources so you can pursue your goals and stop sticking to things that slow you down.
There is more to it, of course (it is a 300+ page book, after all!), but those are certainly points worth taking into account.
3. Consider the Costs and Benefits.
In many instances, weighing the potential costs and benefits of quitting or persevering occurs in a bit of an abstract way. We may have to guess at how we might feel if we choose one option over the other, or how much time something will take that we can therefore not extend to something else. It can feel like quite the exercise in hypotheticals.
In some cases, however, the costs may show more clearly. If persevering means unhealthy risk, potential danger, or negative impact to one’s top priorities or values, for example, letting go might arise pretty swiftly as the wiser choice.
For those fully in tune with their intuition or somatic cues, you may begin to ‘feel’ your decision before - or more strongly than - other methods. For those of us who spend a lot of time in our heads (my hand is raised), we may benefit from a pro/con list, an adapted form of a SWOT (strengths, weaknesses, opportunities, threats) analysis, a process like Suzy Welch’s 10-10-10 method, and the like.
Talking out the costs and benefits with a trusted source, such as your coach or business partner, can also help bring clarity to the situation. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve tossed an idea around in my head for ages, then - once I started saying it out loud to my coach - felt immediately clear on my next best step.
Regardless of the method, considering the costs and benefits - at any point in the process, whether just beginning or deciding whether to let go of the goal - can serve as an important step. If we clearly see the costs are consistently outweighing the benefits, or that the long-term benefits far exceed the short-term costs, that knowledge can definitely aid with our confident decision-making.
4. Become a Visionary.
One of my biggest takeaways from Quit might seem so obvious, but I don’t think it ever hit me in just this way until I read the book. Right away in the prologue, Duke talks about the prevalence of ‘winners never quit’-type quotes and how we rarely see motivational quotes about quitting.
(Side note: Throughout middle and high school, I had a plaque with that very line - “Quitters never win, and winners never quit!” - in my bedroom, that I purchased with my own money and completely of my own accord. This stuff runs deep, I tell you!)
It was the following segment from Duke, however, that flashed the proverbial lightbulb in my mind:
“By definition, anybody who has succeeded at something has stuck with it. That’s a statement of fact, always true in hindsight. But that doesn’t mean that the inverse is true, that if you stick to something, you will succeed at it.”
The bolding is mine in that statement. And she spends much of the rest of the book sharing examples and research for when not sticking with a goal or project can be the wise choice. More lightbulbs for me!
Duckworth shares similar sentiments throughout Grit too, some of which I have already highlighted above. (If you’re feeling like the common ground in these two books - as well as between deciding whether to persevere or quit - outweighs the differences, I’d say you’re onto something.)
Here’s how I find this helpful in practice:
Instead of giving extraordinary weight to the past - the amount of training or time or effort I’ve already put into something, which will almost always lead me to a sunk-cost fallacy of some sort - I lean more heavily on crafting my vision for the future, and which action will more likely lead me there.
In graduate school, for instance, I definitely had thoughts about quitting from time to time. Sometimes I needed to bring my newborn baby to class with me, sometimes my computer would crash and I’d lose hours (if not more) of work, sometimes I was just exhausted and overwhelmed. Looking back at all I’d already invested helped after a certain point, but it wasn’t the driving force for me; I was much better served, motivated, and redirected by my vision for the future, the difference I could make with the doctorate, and why I wanted to keep working so hard.
To this day, I am still much more motivated by picturing what could be - the vision I am moving toward. If this resonates with you, give it a whirl, even writing your vision statement or creating a visual representation of it to use as an aid/reminder when making decisions along the way.
5. Honor Your Purpose.
Not everything is worth quitting when the going gets tough, just like not everything is worth pursuing in the same circumstance. Whether we quit, persevere, or choose an alternate option or a combination therein, our why matters.
Our purpose - our purpose in life as well as our purpose behind the goal - can provide a filter through which our questions and decisions can be processed. Personally, this is my #1 decision-making tool, and has been an absolute game-changer in making stronger, more confident decisions.
(And just a reminder that my purpose statement process will be available for purchase a bit later this month - the only time I plan to offer it publicly this year - so be sure to subscribe and stay tuned if you’d like more info on that.)
Duckworth describes her top-level, life-organizing goal as this: To use psychological science to help kids thrive. She then discusses how knowing this has given her courage and energy and helped her persevere in all kinds of challenging circumstances, such as when she and a peer decided to start an organization from scratch - knowing nothing about starting an organization from scratch. But knowing the purpose, and the impact it could have on helping kids thrive, made the difference.
Focusing on our purpose for sticking with a goal or closing it up and moving on to something else can also support our sense of internal consistency, free us from overthinking, and help us move forward with whatever decision we make.
“Just as you can’t be 100% sure how a decision is going to turn out when you enter a course of action,” confirms Duke, “you also can’t be 100% sure how it will turn out when you are considering exiting it.”
Deciding in alignment with our purpose, which incorporates our core values among other key components, supports our intentional and confident forward movement even amidst that uncertainty - because we’ve chosen in favor of what we believe in most.
“Whatever your age,” Duckworth reminds us in Grit, “it’s never too early or too late to begin cultivating a sense of purpose.”
As you can probably tell, these two books seem to share much more in common than in opposition, and I definitely found value in and recommend them both. And since this article has already gotten much longer than I initially intended, we can focus on alternative options to the binary ‘quit or grit’ question more in a future post (let me know if this is of interest to you).
But I’ll share one more point in closing that has proven helpful for me - so much so that, although I change my list of personal Guiding Principles every year, one has stayed top of the list since I first began documenting them fifteen or so years ago. That principle?
Decide And Take Action.
The five ideas I’ve shared in this article help me make stronger, more confident decisions and with far less overthinking and ‘spinning’ than I used to experience. But I also don’t want to make a decision, only to then spend all kinds of time doubting and second-guessing it. With Decide And Take Action as a guide, I make my decision - then immediately take an action in favor of that decision. This has made a remarkable difference not only in self-trust, but also in providing support for the decision I have made.
What helps you decide whether to persevere or quit? Which of the points I’ve shared today resonate with you the most? Have you read Angela Duckworth’s Grit or Annie Duke’s Quit? One of my favorite parts about writing and sharing these articles is discussing them with you, so please share your thoughts below!
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Christi Hegstad, PhD, PCC, and self-proclaimed book nerd, is a certified coach who helps achievers work with meaning, live with purpose, and reach bold + difference-making goals. Feel free to share your questions, comments, or topic/book suggestions below or via email to readingandpurpose (at) gmail (dot) com.
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